Life has been full of so many happenings that they passed by so fast. I didn’t even have a time to gather myself to breathe properly and they just all disappear so fast. And suddenly, I feel the sudden emptiness… emptiness because of loneliness…

It has been quite some time since I last felt that but I guess recently I was exposed to many situations happening right in my life that I feel like a total wreck… all because I don’t know where I’m heading to.

I thought I know what I have grasp in my hand, in facing my own future. But now, all I can feel is emptiness. I feel like I’m not heading to any of the direction I thought I would want to go. Sometimes I would think I’m having what I want in my life, but right now, all I can say is “I am lost.”

I don’t really know how to express myself in this. All I know is I don’t feel right about my life. I feel something is missing. I feel empty. I feel I’m putting up a show because everyone around me thinks I have such a promising future. I feel I’m such a great liar because I’m able to convince myself that I’m doing fine. No, something’s definitely missing… and what is that?

There’s so much more to learn, but I feel so fed up of most things. Sometimes, I think it would be better if my life ends just right now right here because I’m so sick of searching for my own identity to define my future.

I guess I just have to endure. In my devotion with God tonight, through the wonderful writings of Oswald Chambers, James 1:4 reminded me this: “Let your endurance be a finished product, so that you may be finished and complete, with never a defect.”

Chambers said “In numberless ways God will bring us back to the same point over and over again. He never tires of bringing us to the one point until we learn the lesson, because He is producing the finished product.”

God, I commit my empty soul onto Your hand once again. Many a times I’ve felt so down and lonely and empty. Remind once again of Your presence and fill me with Your love once again. May I never leave You, but teach me, Lord to just embrace You in every part of my life. May I be a willing servant to stoop myself low enough to let You keep producing me until I am Your finished product. Please listen to this lowly plea of mine, fill my empty heart with Your grace once again.

I’ve been having dis Chihuahua pup for about a month now. His name is Ricky. Full name is Ricky Sam Kancil. He’s simply adorable, juz like my son. Suddenly having that whole feeling coming back to me again. Reminds me of my previous American Eskimo dog, Zues. Misses him so much, still missing him. 

Let me concentrate on Ricky. He’s not a really smart dog as Zues is but he’s pretty alrite mentality for a dog. He likes to chew almost everything!! Seems like his mouth is his only wat to get in touch wif everything around him. He likes to play tug-of-war wif me with a cloth. Recently, we found another new game. We would be snatching the cloth from each other and the winner will run round the furnitures and the other will chase after the cloth. He’s getting really pretty good at it coz his grip is getting stronger on the cloth. 

He likes to eat! He never stop liking his puppy food. We also gave him dental chew, milky bones and recently his latest fave is rodeo. It gives me great pleasure watching him eat all those food. 

He’s not very clever to control his bladder, so usually he’ll pee or even poop in the room he’s sleeping. Poor Ricky. It doesn’t smell really good. Sometimes I tried spraying some cologne but it din really help much. Also, he seems to sneeze a lot whenever I spray it so I stopped spraying for some time now. 

He’s really attached to me. He would skip so much when I’m around. Sometimes I tried ‘hiding’ from him but as soon as he could smell my scent, he would come running after me. Or if he couldn’t see me but still knows I’m there, he would be whining for me. Awww… breaks my heart whenever he does that. In fact, he just did that just now when I put him back into his room. He wanna play more but I was too exhausted. Made me think, all those moms in this world are soooooo great. Moms, I salute you!

It’s a joy to have Ricky in my life. I really treat him as a human. I like to see him happy. I try to let him roam around as much as I can provided I’m at home. Sometimes after I’ve fed him, played with him, I would hold him in my arms and he would fall asleep. He’s really eager to please me. That’s the reason why I like dogs so much. I wish I could learn that from him. 

I like the movie ‘Marley and Me’. All dog lovers should watch it. And all those who has a dog but still treat it like crap should watch that movie too. It’ll teach you how to treat a dog with love. Because all a dog could give is only love, nothing else. But first, do your part as a good master. Treat it with lots of attention, love, hugs, pats, time, and not forgetting good food! :) 

Ricky, I’m so glad to have you in my life. I wish you could read and understand what I’m writing here. I know you love me, and thanks for loving me and accepting me amidst how I am. And God, this goes the same for You! Thanks for creating me and dogs. Thanks for letting humans and dogs have such wonderful bond. Thanks for Your love towards us. Thanks…

Yaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!!!!!! Finaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllyyyyyyy!!!!!!!! I’m going to stop work! Hahahaha… Well, not stopping fully, but partially. Hehe… It’s finally confirmed past 2 days that I’ll stop teaching most of my pupils (those who are not going for their practical exam) in the middle of June and will stop fully in July after my practical exam students finish their exam on 23 June. Sweeeeeeet! 

You might be wondering why am I so happy to stop work. Well, first is because I’m finally going to get to do what I really want to do: Working as a church staff and going off for courses here and there. I’m so excited about the idea of learning new things, changing new environments, and visting new places (other than Kuantan). Hah. Really niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiceeeeeeee…

So I’ll only start my work in the church on September. What about July and August? Oh well, I’ll use those 2 months as a break for myself. I plan to visit my gramps (which I’ve been hoping for quite some time) in Penang… probably will spend more than a week long there with them and go to Singapore to visit my uncle and his kids. Then in August, I have a friend from the US who’ll be visiting me. So, I’m hoping to enjoy a week catching things up. We haven’t been seeing each other for more than 6 years now! I’m just soooooooooooooo excited!
But there are also other things which I really have to take care of in the church throughout these 2 months: MYF and Sunday School. Gotta arrange some songs for our upcoming MYF CD (Opps, I hope this is not a confidential matter) and VBS for Sunday School and Mini Sports for the whole church. Wow. But it’ll be a real fun planning for them. I can’t wait till all those events are carried out. ^_^

Everyone’s looking for love… Love is all around… There are even times when we cant even feel or see love around us, but it’s still there. Love comes in so many shapes and forms. When you see a mom taking the hand of her Down Syndrome child, that’s love. When you see an old man sitting outside of the hospital room where his wife is, that’s love. When you see a blind person stroking his dog, that’s love. When you see a student making her teacher a card that says ‘Happy Teacher’s Day’, that’s love.

For the past 2 days, I watched 2 movies: ‘Sex and the City: The Movie’ and ‘The Women’. Both shows were about a few women and their lives living in the Big Apple City. And oh, the clothes they wore, the shoes which cost a few hundred bucks, the restaurants, fashion, makeups, hairstyles… it’s something which every girls and women dream about having. But amidst all, I saw one thing which I value most out of this: Love. 

The love that the women have for one another is totally undeniable. You can even feel from the screen you’re watching. Totally believable! From their different characteristics, personal happenings in their lives, in the end, the girls stood up strong for one another. They were there for each other. When one falls, the others back her up. I simply like the idea so much.

And it’s something which I always wish to have, hope to have, yearn to have: Girlfriends. Those who understand me, accept me for what I am, believe in me, support me, encourage and motivate me, fight for me… people who I can trust in… Am I asking too much? Coz I would be one of them. 

I’m looking for love… from my girlfriends. I’m glad I have a few of them now. I feel so good being around them, and I thank God for them. Without them, my life would have been such a bore… hahaha… Thanks, girls! 

I dream of being able to go for trips with them, share parenting tips, women tips, fears, joys, and so much more! Till those days come, we’ll still remain the few crazy, ever-young ladies. Hahahaha…

God is really funny. I really mean what I say. He is a really funny guy. Sometimes too funny that I don’t even understand what He’s thinking or laughing about. I feel as if my life is a toy in His hands, but not just any toy. It’s His precious toy. Hehehe… (reminds me to Gollum from ‘Lord of the Ring’ calling his ring his precious)

I must say, submission really brings a lot of blessings in disguise. At first, I felt things aren’t working out for me. Then soon God opened a door when I decided to obey Him. And as an added bonus of me obeying Him, He opened another door! And even better one! I thought I’ve striked a bargain at the first door, but the second door was even much better! My goodness, who would have see that coming? Not even me! Not even anyone! Only God… See, isn’t He a funny guy?

Things are starting to work out fine for me. Today I went to see my lady boss and told her I’ll be working till July 2009, will then take a 1-month break and then start my new job as a part time church staff in September 2009. I’ll be concentrating on working in two ministries: Praise & Worship and Children’s Ministry, both which I have utmost burdens for in my heart.

I hope I could maintain all positivity in handling these ministries. I hope I’m able to continue to experience God’s love every day, soak myself in His grace, and has His blessings pour out from His Highest and me channeling them to others.

Iknow it’s not entirely correct to say me handling these ministries; God is actually the One who’s overseeing all His ministries. I’m just a toy in His hand. And not just any toy; His precious toy.

I recently read this post “What to Do When Your Burden is Overwhelming” from Oswald Chambers’ ‘My Utmost for His Highest’. It made me think again about the burdens I have in my life… good or bad? What am I going to do about them?

I actually the existence of this Indonesian worship band called True Worshippers but I didn’t really get myself to listen to their music. But recently I bought their ‘Shine Like Stars’ DVD and downloaded their latest album called ‘All Things New’ and I particularly like this one song called ‘Dalamnya Kasih-Mu Bapa.’

You can listen to the song from http://www.esnips.com/doc/e7cb170c-1334-4c65-b5ad-530ac9e0aa55/03—Dalamnya-Kasihmu-Bapa and here are the lyrics:

Dalamnya Kasih-Mu Bapa
Terlebih Dari S’galanya
Pengorbanan Yang Termulia
S’lamatkanku

Dengan Darah Yang Tercurah
Ampuniku Atas Dosa
Ku bersujud Kepada-Mu
Oh Yesusku

Engkau Ku Sembah
Kau Yang Terindah
Pulihkanku Dengan Darah-Mu

Engkau Ku Sembah
Bapa Mulia
Seumur Hidupku Ku Mau Menyembah-Mu

Beautiful, isn’t it? The love of God never cease to amaze every single person who believes in Him. I hope you’ll be blessed with this song. Let us continue to worship Him for loving us so graciously.

I think one of the best thing in having to know our wonderful Abba Lord is because of grace. It’s all purely grace. It’s by His grace we’re being created; it’s by His grace we’re being chosen as His children; it’s by His grace we’re able to receive the gift of salvation; it’s by His grace we’re able to live each day; it’s by His grace we’re able to walk through the journey of life; and it’s by His grace alone we are able to live in grace.

The more I learn to know about His grace, the more I feel I can’t live for myself. He has done so much, too much to behold which my mind couldn’t even grasp the idea of His love for me… I’m left speechless. More and more, I’m learning to love Him, but of course I still have so much more learn. To become more and more like Him, I have to learn to think less and lesser of myself. Now, that’s quite a difficult thing to do because humans by nature are plain selfish. But by God’s grace, I believe it could be done… but imagine all those realizations I will need to achieve!

This week had been a week full of questions, uncertainties, doubts, confusion and decision-makings. And I realize all of these come in God’s time. He has things which He’s trying to minister to me, and I need to learn to grow. Believe me, I’ve always prayed for wisdom and I guess God is starting to teach me! 

But the greatest lesson I learn about God’s grace is His acceptance of me. Goodness, to think of everything I’ve done in my life, I think He would have raised His eyebrows (if He has any.. haha) very very very high till all those wrinkle lines appear on His forehead (once again, if He has any.. :P). But He still loves me as I am, cares for me, guides me when I’m in my lowest hours, and accepts me as I am. Even humans will still have the hurt lingering in them even after they’ve forgiven me, but God doesn’t. He simply just make Himself a part of my life.. Wow.. Don’t you think He’s awesome?!

I don’t know why I’m blabbering so much.. maybe you’ll feel as if you’ve read all this sentences from those spiritual books, but man, I’ve gotta tell you; THEY’RE ALL FOR REAL!! What I read about people experiencing God and the joy they felt after discovering Him in their lives, the same goes for me! I’m not being a copycat here, but seriously, I’m left speechless. No words is enough to fathom the depth of His love for us all… simply no words beautiful enough to express how we feel… just the sweet smiles we could carve in our hearts… Isn’t it such an exhilarating feeling just feeling all lovey-dovey about God’s love?!

His grace… so graciously given to us all… which comes with such abundant blessings till we couldn’t ask for more (unless we’re being such greed and totally being unappreciative). But I would encourage all of you to desire more for His grace to be in our lives… Without Him, who are we? What’s our purpose of life?

Have you ever feel as if something’s somehow missing in your life? I feel it most of the time recently. Today during P&W led by Adeline, I cried. Not because I like to cry, and not because I want the whole church to see how touched I am during P&W… I simply just cried. I can’t really understand what was going on, but I just can’t control myself… I just kept crying. God was trying to tell me something through the songs I sang, and I cried because I find it very real and true.

I’m learning to submit myself to accept God’s doings according to His time. Too many things happened on such short notice. And God knows I’m a person who really dislike sudden changes in my life. But He simply drove me crazy for the past 2 weeks with changes, changes, changes, and oh… changes?!?! I seriously could do some screaming here!!! I think God is really testing me here. He wants me to change; to accept changes in my life.

I realize, many times I like to take things into my own hands. I like to be in control. I like to dominate in the things I do. I like to plan things according to my own will, depending on how I want it, like it, and so on… I guess God has had enough of my annoying attitude over here and He wants me to realize who’s the real boss in my life. Not me, but Him.

So, what is the missing thing I feel? Well, the pleasant feeling of dominance. That’s what’s missing in my life now. Suddenly I feel as if I’m not in control of the things I plan to do. I’m not in control of the situations in my life. I’m not in control of the outcome of my hard work. Come on, God, this is truly not a nice feeling! I don’t want it! … … … … … Oh well, but I have to accept it ’cause I guess this must be one of the lesson You want me to learn.

I was telling the story of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane to my Sunday School children. I told them about how Jesus felt during that time and what He prayed. And I remember stressing to them about how humane Jesus was: Even though He’s the Son of God, he still feel fear upon knowing He’ll die at the cross for us. And His prayer carried such honesty in it: May the cup of suffering be taken away from Him but not according to His own will but God’s will.

I hope I’ll remember not to always look at how I want things to be. I hope I could change into the person God wants me to be. I hope I’ll continue learning to not put myself at the top of the list of everything I do. I hope I can learn to have the heart of a servant.

Guess what, guys?! It’s final.. I’m going back to work again.. Err, I mean, I’ll continue working again at the academy I’m currently in.. So that means I’m not quitting.. NOPE, I repeat, I AM NOT QUITTING WORK.. Phew… Finally!

Well, many things happened in between and of course I can’t tell them all here! Definitely not for public viewers! Haha… but it is a good experience… Seriously, the things people proclaim about God are so true. God does everything IN HIS TIME… in His OWN SWEET TIME… In the end, like what He promised, His plans for me are good ones.

To cut a long story short, I’m going back to work again, still maintaining a stable income, getting to continue teaching my students whom I feel really heavy-hearted to let go at first (if possible, I really wanna ‘take them away with me’ if I ever stop teaching at the academy but obviously I can’t do that… would create WAR), and I have time for my church programs. Of course, this time it is a better ‘bargain’, meaning it was something more than I asked for. I gained my pupils’ parents understanding and I’m able to communicate even better with them. Somehow it made me feel rather relieved that I can teach my pupils again. Of course, teaching them sometimes made me really wanna hang myself whenever they don’t practice, but they’re still my little kiddos… I like them a lot; I really do.

God, thanks for this experience. You are a true and living God. Thanks for Your wonderful plans for me. Help me to put my trust more in You every single day. Thanks, once again. You’re really awesome! *Hugs and kisses*